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30 October 2015 @ 08:47 am
I haven't been posting lately. I've been completely bogged down with work and school and I'm starting to think I have a sleep disorder. Maybe I'm just tired. Who knows? What's the difference?

I keep being split between two parts of my brain.. there's this part of me that loves restricting. Loves the feeling at the end of the day where I know I was "good" and that the scale might go down in a few days. There's this other part of me that just likes to eat healthy, ignore body image, exercise for the sake of health and be a good role model for my daughter. I can hide the disordered behaviors and thoughts well enough and appear normal at home. But why do I always get sucked back to that? Part of me enjoys it. And I don't know why. Maybe it's because it's something that's just mine. Private. And I spent so much time during college alone and in private, scribbling food plans and calories in secret.. maybe I'm just being nostalgic. The restrictive desire, though, always goes well for about 2 weeks.. then leads to me severely falling off the wagon with excessive binges, drinking (not in an alcoholic sense.. I just don't WANT calories from alcohol), eating sweets. I just DON'T. GET. IT.

And part of me wants to see a therapist about this.. but I don't feel like I'm disordered enough to even justify that. I feel like therapy is often self-indulgent. And I also feel like if I could just be slightly introspective for a few minutes my problems and reasons would be obvious.. so why pay someone to tell me shit I already know? It didn't work before. Why would it now? I can't even be honest in therapy, either. I just cry and then make up reasons for why I'm actually crying to try to get sympathy from the therapist.. and then I let that reaffirm that I'm not such a bad person after all and I end up lying to myself.

I'm total crap.
09 October 2015 @ 08:14 am
142.6 today and yesterday. Which isn't terrible, since I was more last weekend and this is the lowest I've been SINCE my sisters wedding at this same time exactly 2 years ago. The difference is my stomach. I actually feel like my arms and legs are a bit slimmer, but my stomach. There's just no helping it. I'm not too bothered by it, since I know why I have it and for that I'm thankful. I can deal with the loose skin. I just wish I could remove some fat from below. It seems to just be holding on and I'm not sure why.

Next week's goal is 140.0. I wanted to be in the 130s, but I need to be realistic. When I set goals that are too high, I always fail at losing even half a pound.

My friend might be starting ED outpatient treatments in a week. I'm happy for her. I'm selfishly a little sad that I'll have nobody to really talk to or keep me in check .. she helps me not eat when I don't want to, but she also helps me stay healthy, too. So I'm both worried about getting fat, or spiraling.

Today I'm having:

Iced coffee with cream
probably another iced coffee later
green juice from Jamba Juice hopefully (if I can get work done by lunch time)
and I'm making apple braised pork chops for dinner with red skin potatoes because carbs.

I'm worried about the weekend because we're going to Lagunitas and .. I love their beer. And nachos. And sandwiches. And everything. So I hope this doesn't screw up my weight plans too much.
05 October 2015 @ 02:29 pm
143.5 today.. even after a not great weekend. I didn't eat a ton, but I didn't eat how I should.

Today I had coffee with creamer, 2 small apples, nonfat plain greek yogurt with a teaspoon of honey, 15 grapes, and one peach. And I just ate a bag of 120 cal baked cheetos. So maybe around 315? No idea what I'm doing about dinner since my husband has leftovers (he didn't eat at home yesterday) and my daughter's dinner is also made. Maybe I'll just say I'm not hungry or something. Or that I ate. I feel like I can be in the 130's within 2 weeks. Which is good (not great).

There's a bunch of other stuff going on, but I'm at work right now and can't type much.
01 October 2015 @ 01:31 pm
So breakfast was ok - a teaspoon of coconut oil, filmjolk or whatever (siggi's drinkable yogurt) a vitamin and a pumpkin spice latte because I'm a basic bitch who woke up early enough to go to Starbucks before daycare.

Then I was going to get my haircut at lunch and only have a peach. ONLY A PEACH.

Then I ate a 100 cal bag of baked potato chips.
Then a 140 cal bag of baked cheetos.
Then probably a 300 calorie chocolate chip cookie because my boss brought them in.

I'll have a salad tonight. And yes, I'll probably put a slice of cheese and a slice of salami on it because I have a salt and fat addiction.

But tonight I need to read one chapter of my crappy textbook
and maybe fold towels.
E's home late, so I'm going to have to take the dog out for a walk
30 September 2015 @ 01:59 pm
I'm already doing a shitty job with updating.

I'm having about 1000 calories today. It's probably a little bit less because I never eat the full piece of fruit when I have fruit.

My husband is busy tomorrow night - Sunday night so dinner is solo.. so I need to figure out what to have or if I should just skip dinner? Maybe soup. I don't know what to do. I'd also save money by eating less/not eating/eating the same thing every night.
24 September 2015 @ 08:40 am
I have an appointment next week for a haircut. I'm excited.. I haven't gotten it cut since ..March? I want to grow it out, but it needs a better style right now. I just need to remind myself NO BANGS no matter how cute Zooey Deschanel is. I am not her. I look like a Duggar with bangs.

Weight still isn't good today. No matter how little I eat during the day, I either fuck up at night or DON'T fuck up but still somehow gain. Can I just wear large tunics for the rest of my life and stay home and read forever? Someone asked me to get lunch at work the other day with her and a bunch of other girls. An immediate sense of dread flooded my body. Partly out of anxiety for social interaction, partly out of anxiety over the food (chinese) and partly because I hate spending money. I also get anxiety over having to say no to people, thinking they'll be mad. This is why I don't have friends. THIS IS WHY I DON'T HAVE FRIENDS.

Breakfast today: kefir, black coffee, vitamin (140)
Lunch: romaine, italian dressing, tuna, cucumbers with salt, greek yogurt with a tablespoon of honey, plum (382)
Snack: baked chips (this is only to prevent a bigger binge later.. ) (120)
Dinner: 1 cup of wheat pasta, sauce with ground turkey, kale salad (400?)

This is healthy. This is what I should be eating every day. There is nothing wrong with this. 1042 calories.
23 September 2015 @ 01:51 pm
I bought some garcinia cambogia today. I will not drink tonight. Just tea and water. I'll take my pills when I get in the car to drive home.. so hopefully that will prevent a binge at home. Just.. ugh

I'll just go ahead and post my food. I'm not proud of it today, but nobody will read this so I don't care.

Breakfast: Kefir (140), coffee (5), granola bar at work (140) = 285c
Lunch: homemade soup (200), 3 bags of baked cheetos (120 x 3 = 360), popcorn (80) = 640c
Dinner: HOPEFULLY JUST SOUP. maybe I won't be hungry, though (ha) = 200c

Total: 925-1125c depending on whether or not I have soup.
Hopefully we go for a walk tonight and maybe I'll get a diet ginger ale or something.
I will also do arm weights for at least 10 minutes, some lunges and squats, and some stomach exercises. I can do THAT.

I feel gross. And somehow gained 3 lbs since yesterday morning, despite not having much yesterday.

I want to lose 19lbs in 9 weeks. Roughly 2lbs per week. But ever since having a baby I feel like my body is just stagnant. SO, I guess we'll just see how these pills go.

I keep reading different books with diets/eds being the main topic, and I think this might be throwing me off a little. I really like French Women Don't Get Fat in a cheesy francophile sense. The concept is also easy to follow and it seems manageable.. but I think you need a somewhat healthy relationship with food to be able to say "Yes, I will eat a substantial breakfast every day!". I can probably do a healthy, substantial dinner every day, but that's mostly because it's the one meal I share with the family and I want them to be healthy.

Maybe I should just start restricting during the day and eat a nice planned meal at night. I don't even know what will work for me.
Current Mood: fat